Change can be good or can be bad. And sometimes, it seems like it is both. My faith and relationship with God seems to be in that later category. While I want to grow and change for the better with that, it seems that some of the changes that did happen also have lead to a change for the worse there.
I’ve become a distant Christian, one who doesn’t know if they really want to pray about this specific thing because they just know they aren’t going to like the answer. One who doesn’t want to surrender everything, because of fear and the possibility of losing something “good”. One who seems to have forgotten love, both for and from God. One who lets sin win, and then only thinks to feel guilty afterwards, because of the distance.
How does this tie into life and failure and love? You see, I am only alive because of God’s love for me. I am a failure, and when all seemed lost, God used one of the very things I struggled with (legalism), to save me. And I owe Him my life in more than one way, because He also saved me spiritually. And over and over again, through out my life, He has shown Himself faithful and loving, even when I am faithless and/or loveless. And I am now on the verge of losing all grasp of that, because of change. A change of view on how I should understand Him and the Bible, changes in my life (including my loves), and more.
Addressing only the first here: Understanding God in a fuller sense should not also distance one from knowing Him, and while I can claim to want to learn more about Him through the historically accurate and contextually accurate Bible, He wants us to worship Him not just in truth, but in spirit also. And worship means bowing to Him, loving Him, and obeying Him. No matter how scary or unpleasant that seems now. He has saved my life before, it’s time to trust him to do so again and turn back to Him. With all that I am. And if what I was doing before wasn’t working to strengthen and correct my relationship with God, well then, it’s time for a change. Failure may be part of life, but it should not keep us from the greatest love there is. And that is what mine to be the sort of Christian I should be would be doing now, if I didn’t seek a new change and restoration.